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$500 Contest from JohnCow.com and how I would spend the Money


I was just doing my normal web surfing and stumbled across a super duper freebie giveaway! I am so excited that I will be in the running for JohnCow.com’s five hundred dollars. I can actually win this thing all without clocking in or showing up to the office…I can really be making money online. I can just see it now…500 buckaroos…with no responsible place to go…unaccounted for…under the old ball and chains economic radar! This plan is so diabolically ingenious! And guess what folks I do have a definite plan on how those five hundred little angels will aid in my quest for ultimate radness. Is that a word? If not it darn well should be. As with any master plan of complete and utter world domination, a list must be composed. So here goes.

The following is a list that encompasses the allocation of funds, non-taxable of course…silly gooberment can’t bother for contest check…at least that’s what Ernesto my tax expert at the tax service company whose name is comprised of two random letters with a “&” in the middle and a hurdle in the end. Who hires seasonal non–experienced employees to handle my very important financial information.

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  • 1. $6 goes to Uncle Pete to give me a flat top hair cut (this was a close one folks. I was seriously contemplating a D.A. aka Duck’s Ass but am respectfully wimping out. Also sorry folks I don’t know how to spell wimping…and don’t have the energy to google it…so there.) For the record uncle Pete is the man. Quick rundown for ya to prove it. Uncle Pete eats Ju-Ju fruit for breakfast…yes folks not fruit but Ju-Ju fruit to start off his very busy day. Uncle Pete shaves with blueberry yogurt. He claims that the active bacteria in the yogurt wards off any yeast and other unmentionables he might have encountered in the local gentlemen’s club. And he likes how the blueberry leaves the lower portion of his mug purple for half the day. Uncle Pete has invented a dog leash out of duct tape and it actually works. Uncle Pete has memorized all the lyrics to all the songs ever sung by Slick Rick. He has done this because it is his firm, whole hearted belief that eye patches are cool. Uncle Pete has created an eye patch out of duct tape. That has not worked out so well.
  • 2. $36.90 for John Basedow’s fitness made simple book, which come with a motivating DVD. That $36.90 includes shipping. John Basedow has the abs and I want him..I mean them, the abs. Consider the savings on a laundry bill if you possess wash board abs! Ah you like that thinking outside the box, always. That’s how I stay jiggy-coogi down to the socks, dirty even like his brother Keenan. And Fran Capo is so hot!
  • 3. $4.39 for the one and only “Baconator.” Any sandwich that can incorporate pork, beef, and vegetables has got to be uber-nutritional. Kudos to the burger production staff at the King of all burgers. I am tempted to fill out an application at my local establishment and perhaps exploiting the perks of being the one in charge of guarding those meaty monstrosities. I can see it now… “Yes mister burger supervisor I swear that all Baconators are safe and sound.. Oh yes I had to ‘dispose’ of some too not nator enough bacon.” Ahh… fantasies I am allowed to have them.
  • 4. $200 for JohnCow.com to review my site. With a full fledged review from the guys at JohnCow.com I will be well on my way to blogger super-stardom. All will see the power of a fat guy and his warrior spirit.
  • 5. $250-ish (approx, does not include fragranced shampoos and pretty hair bows of course) I’ve always wanted a poodle as far back as I can remember. Even as a young boy growing up in the heart of the South Bronx I felt that a poodle was the ultimate status symbol and could be the ticket to breaking down all barriers, eventually leading to some form of world peace.
  • And there you have it folks, my plan for the prize money. Hopefully if all goes as planned I’ll be posting my next blog from a doggy supply store, getting Cornelius (my soon to be poodle extraordinaries name) some most impressive chew toys! Money well spent. Tutaloo!

    P.S. No I haven’t forgotten about the remaining $3.71. I will definitely put that away for retirement. I’m not crazy or irresponsible now! Or I may use it for some web hosting for Cornelius’ new doggy blog.

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    About the Author

    My name is Israel Lagares. I used to be the kind of guy that was always in shape, but over the last few years I've fallen off tremendously. This site is my final attempt to get back into shape. So far I've lost 70.4 lbs. Check out my weight loss chart, weight loss videos and progress pics. Follow my journey, those of others, and read our thoughts on various health topics. Share your thoughts, experience, and journey here on FMU.

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