Coming Out of the Dieting Closet
By far, my least favorite of all the filthy, scandalous four-letter words in the English language is “DIET”. No other word has the ability to make my toes curl and skin crawl like the dreaded “D” word. Tell me that the idea of having to go on a “diet“, or the memory of having been on a “diet”, isn’t enough to give you nightmares. Ok, so maybe I’m being a tad bit over-dramatic here, but you and I both know that dieting sucks.
For me, being on diet used to be like a dirty little secret that I kept hidden from the rest of the world, in absolute fear that they might find out. Why I thought of it as a secret, I don’t know. It’s not like people couldn’t just look at me and tell that maybe I needed to start watching what I ate. I guess maybe what I was really afraid of was the questions:
“What diet are you on?”,
“How long have you been on it?”,
“Lose anything yet?”,
“How much are you looking to lose?”
“How many Weight Watchers points would this be?”
“Should you be eating that?”
On top of hating the unending barrage of questions, I was also trying to protect my pride. See, I acknowledge fully that I have serious pride issues. If everyone knew I was on a diet, and I couldn’t do it, then that would mean everyone would know I was weak and a failure. To me, there is nothing worse than letting other people know that I can’t do something. I have a hard time asking for help, and an even harder time walking away from something I haven’t finished. The idea that people would look at me as weak or incapable is unacceptable for me. If people are going to judge me, then I am going to give them something to judge. I welcome the challenge. I finish what I start. I push through the hard parts. I don’t walk away.
EXCEPT when it comes to weight loss. For some reason, when it comes to dieting, I find it so easy to just give up. I have no idea why time and time again, this is the one thing that I seem to be so quick to walk away from. I’ve spent a lot of years thinking about this and have come to realize that I have a 50 pound or 6 month limit. Any diet I have ever been on has only been effective for that amount of time or that amount of weight. And, of course, the weight has always come back. All that hard work and sacrifice tossed aside. This was the story of my dieting life.
Until this time! Right? Uh no, sorry, not so much….
I had been deluding myself into thinking that this was the first time in my life that the weight wasn’t going to come back. Woo hoo, go me! I had been counting that fact as a minor victory. See, it had been about a year, and I was only about halfway to my ultimate goal. I hadn’t really seen much movement on the scale in that time, and I thought I was still living a focused, balanced lifestyle. Then this morning I got on the scale for the first time in months and saw that the numbers were going the wrong way. Twenty pounds in the wrong direction, to be exact.
After suppressing the urge to vomit, and wiping away a few tears, I realized I wasn’t really all that surprised. I had gotten to the point where I was feeling so frustrated and completely unmotivated to do anything about losing anymore weight. The last few months had thrown me completely off course, and I was starting to see and feel the negative changes in my body with each passing day. I ignored it for as long as I could, but those numbers on the scale made it reality. The fat was coming back, and there was no one to blame, but myself….AGAIN.
And the truth is….I’m scared. Terrified, actually. I can’t go back to where I was – sick, sad and lost. I’d love to summon that “all go, no quit” part of my personality that would grab my psyche by its temptation-loving throat and throw its flabby backside onto the elliptical machine, but I can’t. I’m stuck, free-falling backwards, and since I already threw out all my super-sized fat clothes, the idea of gaining back all that weight is simply not an option.
So now I’m turning to you, FMU’s faithful readers. I’m making this public because I need the challenge. I need to hold myself accountable, not only to myself, but to those who care about me, and want to see me succeed. Sounds silly, I know, but I lost the first half of the weight in a Biggest Loser competition at my job, and probably wouldn’t have done as well if I hadn’t been in the spotlight. I’m putting this out into the universe, and hoping that once again, my pride will take over and I’ll be able to set myself straight again. Wish me luck.
Photo courtesy Hendrick’s Photos.