Unlocking the Vault for the Ladies

Opening the VaultOkay ladies this is a once in a lifetime opportunity to enter the mind of us men.

I am going to bring you into the world and inner most desires of the male brain. It has long been accepted that women are the complicated species. But in actuality men can be seen as so simple that they are in fact looked over.

So ladies are you ready for the secrets?

We really don’t like it when you speak about sports. It’s our thing and you being a sports fanatic can be a major turn off. Imagine if we ranted and raved about mascara and lip gloss? Tom boys have a certain appeal but in the end we want a sexy girl. So keep off our turf on this one.

Men are always looking for an extra inch. Whether it be on our arms, in height, SUV length, bigger homes, and yes even our penis. Size matters to us. If a pill was created by a mad scientist to turn a man into a giant you better believe 99.9999 percent of men would swallow the darn thing and start smashing the nearest DMV building in two seconds flat. If a potion is created that would promise 40 inch biceps we would drink eight cups a day no doubt. Space boots that gave us super human speed and leaping abilities, we are there!

All men still fantasize about the possibilities of x-ray eye wear…we want to know what color intimates you have on without having to ask you. I have to also admit that if we were buxom buddies with a sorcerer it would be a sure bet that we would be using his powers for interesting purposes to say the least. Imagine if that wizard could cast a spell on the hottest girl inducing her to fall in love with us. We would definitely be all over that mystic power, pronto.


And yes we love big breast. Plain and simple, no if ands or butts! Oh yeah we like a nice, proportionate, child bearing rear end as well. But unnatural, surgically enhanced freak breast are not at all appealing. So most importantly be naturally beautiful, that’s more sexy than extra inches on your bust line.

We absolutely love food. Sloppy, greasy, juicy, hearty, meaty, tasty, and mouth popping foods are our sinful pleasures. And we don’t feel guilty about this vice. We might act like we do but we really don’t feel any shame. We are men and this is what men do. So what does this mean for women? Well I feel it affirms the old adage as true, “a way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.” So learn to satisfy our bellies and you could find yourself an irreplaceable spot in our hearts. Lately men are noticing that the newer breed of females doesn’t come with any man-rearing and tending skills. So emulate the women we already love like mom and grandma. Do our laundry, iron our clothes, feed us well, wipe our cheek and dote over us and you’ve got us for life.

Do something wild with us at least three times a year. Keep us on our toes. Never let us figure you out. Even if you are our wife of fifteen years and have become super soccer mom you should still have a secret side in our eyes. The secret side should be a side that only you and us know about. I’m speaking of a double agent life style that your male significant other benefits from. Women who have mastered this technique have men who stare at them even when she is doing house work because in his mind he is thinking “yeah she’s a housewife but my buddies and her mother don’t know what she does for me when we go to Vegas every Valentines day.” Now that’s hot, house mom who’s secret double life is for her naughty husband only!

At this point I must cease revealing anymore. I have been found out by a free mason man organization that will be kidnapping and torturing me for my treason against the opposite sex. You never read this!

About the Author

This blog/article was contributed by a guest. If you would like to become a contributor, please contact us.

Community Thoughts (13)

We encourage community interaction, actually we demand it! Add to the discussion, but please do not spam. Use your name in the name field, not a keyword. We have the right to delete comments we deem spammy. By submitting a comment you agree to the the full comment policy here.

  1. “So immolate the women we already love like mom and grandma.”

    Hahaha.. I think this is a typo. “Immolate” means to kill somebody by burning them. As much as I love my wife, I think it would be difficult to forgive her if she did such a thing to my mom. 🙂

  2. leroy jenkinsNo Gravatar says:

    freudian slip and poor educational upbringing. that’s why we need to vote for Hillary and Obama for vice president. darn dont kill yo momma and grandmama! at least you are reading closely Thomas.

  3. IsraelNo Gravatar says:

    LOL. too funny. too funny.

  4. AnthonyNo Gravatar says:

    Nice tips. It is very funny of coures. Thanks for sharing this tips with us, maybe in future I have something with it.

  5. LeviNo Gravatar says:

    Haha now I’m all excited about sorcerers and magic potions! 😀

  6. kyleNo Gravatar says:

    Wow, that’s an insanely sexist post.

  7. KyleNo Gravatar says:

    How so??? Hahahaha, that’s a good one.

    -Women shouldn’t talk about sports.
    -“newer breed of females doesn’t come with any man-rearing and tending skills.”

    hahahahahahhahahahahahahaha, I’m sure you’re going to make some lucky woman very happy someday because it’s every girl’s dream to find a man who wants nothing more of her than “big breast” and doing your laundry, ironing your clothes, feeding you well, wiping your cheek and doting on you.

  8. msn hackNo Gravatar says:

    @ Israel

    Of course I should. But I can not, because I don’t know what you are talking about.

  9. MiriahNo Gravatar says:

    Okay, I found this a VERY intresting read. I have noted that only MEN have replied to this. Come ON LADIES SPEAK UP! Since they won’t I will! I was completly understanding throughout most of it. I am completly for the whole women should act like women and men men. I thought that was true and great. But the whole do your laundry, Iron and everything else. YES we should do most of that for our husbands but it is nice to be helped out once in awhile we can only do so much! I mean mom’s and grandma’s do that but we don’t say “I Do” to turn into your mom! Ahhh the thought of that makes me tremble! You want us to utterly understand and respect you well we deserve the same thing… Maybe Women shouldn’t read this post because well this is what ya get! What happen to the good ol’ days where men and women understood eachother and did not cross those certian boundries if you know what I mean? With the whole ‘bigger’ thing I will not even touch that one that is sooo totally a male thing and It will take a whole new post to get into that veiw from a womans mind. I respect that this was made but come on if each and every woman followed this post then what would happen to our kind? That is not the way it works I am sorry but it is not! This whole thing that I am writting might fall into the catagory of nagging or a few other choice words… All I can say now is we need to individually find out for ourselves what we want in a mate. Then find the one with those same belives. Because if we follow in the lines you spoke of then where would the magic come from? We would be like some kind of robots that cook, clean, and have sex. Women are more then that and shouldn’t be taken for granted. Well you spoke in the mind of a man, this was spoken in a mind of a woman. P.S. I will give you guy’s a little tip: If you treat your woman with love, respect, kindness and make her feel like your one and only and she is not a peice of meat… She will treat you like you hung the moon and love you like you have never been loved before. It DOES NOT matter if you are “Bigger” or what you drive. If she is a REAL woman then she will love you for you and take care of you. In my eyes men and women are not the same today a woman needs to wait for her marraige to make love and so does a guy but no one wants to wait anymore. If you find that one person that you can see your future in their eyes. DO NOT USE THEM OR PRESSURE THEM! Everyone is different but one thing is the same. We all want love no matter what do not waste it by wanting big breast or the perfect women. Start looking at what is in the inside of her spirit and you might be suprised at what you will find!

  10. Lady LizNo Gravatar says:

    Agreed w/above ^

  11. patty sNo Gravatar says:

    A very good friend gave me her wisdom of the ages: Men are simple. All they want is food and sex, and not in that order.

    Women are complicated. You can’t capture what we want in this blog, or all the writings in the universe. You poor, poor guys.

    There are millions of women who would be in heaven being your sexy little housewife. And millions who would go mad living such a boring one-dimensional life.

    For me, I want a playmate. I want to hop on bikes and ride to the beach. I want to stroll the Rose Bowl Flea Market. I want you to leave me alone when I want to go do my own thing. I want you to grill the meat while I create something tasty to go with it. I want to sit in the lawn chairs, share a bottle of wine while we watch the sunset. I want to drive each other mad in bed, but sometimes I can go months without sex and not miss it.

    Unfortunately, in 6 months to 2 years, I’ll get tired of you, and want to be alone again.

    Some of us are just not meant to partner for life.

Share Your Thoughts